Communication is superpower and the best communicators understand that whenever we speak, we’re actually participating in one of the three conversations practical, (What’s this really about) , emotional (How do we feel?), and social (Who are we?). If you don’t know what kind of conversation you’re having, you’re unlikely to connect. Supercommunicators know the importance of recognising  and then matching each kind of conversation, and how to hear the complex emotions, subtle negotiations, and deeply held belief that colour so much of what we say and how we listen. Our experiences, our values, our emotional lives and how we see ourselves, and others  shape every discussion, from who will pick up the kids to how we want to be treated at work.  With his storytelling Duhigg takes us from the writer’s room of The Big Bang Theory to the couches of leading marriage counsellors,  and shows readers how to recognise these three conversations – and teaches us the tips and skills we need to navigate them more successfully.

American journalist Charles Duhigg in Supercommunicators give anecdotes used to illustrate social science findings and advise on how to live your best life.

According  to Duhigg, first of all determine what kind of discussion you’re having, conversation analytical or emotional or even identity-based, as we tend to switch between these types during a conversation. But the best way to connect, interlocutors should be engaged in the same kind of exchange at the same time,

“ To establish an emotional connection, we simply need to ask people how they feel and reciprocate the vulnerability they share with us. Reciprocity is cultivated by looping for understanding, establishing what someone needs in response and asking permission to share. Posing questions, preferably about values, and matching the mood of others fosters group synchrony. 

Duhigg’s initiative to bring people together from opposite sides of the gun control debate, which had some success by increasing empathy after they shared the underlying emotions of their views. When one participant flew home, however, she “got on to Facebook, and everything fell apart”.

Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection By Charles Duhigg, Cornerstone Press £22, 320 pages.