As a follow-up to The Marriage Book (published in 2000) parents of four, Nicky and Sila Lee, who run a variety of courses at Holy Trinity Brompton, have produced this comprehensive manual on parenting.
In five sections, containing a number of chapters in each, the writers address issues which concern all parents, including “The five ways of showing love”, “Handling ang (ours and theirs) “ and “Building a child’s spiritual life”.
The couple talked to other parents when writing the book, and they acknowledge thanks to them for their shared experiences, as well as to their own parents, and their four children, Kirsty, Benj, Barny and Josh, whose quotes are in the book. They also underline that “you do not need to have any faith to benefit from this book” stating they hope their book will give fellow parents “vision for what lies ahead”.
When considering sibling clashes, they take the view that children are discovering how to resolve problems in relationships and that keeping out of most arguments is generally the best course of action, except in circumstances where one child was hurting or making life miserable for another one, when they might be sent to different rooms to cool down. Encouraging laughter, they observe, builds strong bonds between siblings, including letting them poke mild fun at their parents.
Further on, Chapter 6 addresses ”words”, and states that what we say to our children will affect how they think about themselves for the rest of their lives, giving a touching case
in point of Dawn French’s memory of her father’s proud, kind and caring words to her when she was 14 years old. Words of affection, comfort, praise and affirmation are covered, and the reader is asked to pause and consider, for example, “what kind of loving, encouraging words do you find the hardest to say?”.
On disciplining children, boundaries are examined, and the possibility that sometimes we may be reluctant to impose discipline and cover the reasons why, leading onto quoted examples of four different parenting styles, with details of their impact. Teenagers are given a chapter, with a quote from Joshua, aged 18, “If you think it’s difficult to live with teenagers, spare a thought for those of us who live with our parents”.
A big issue parents of teenagers face is setting boundaries. Happiness for a teenager is the most important aspect of their lives. Talking to other parents is also recommended, with the remark, “If we are too lenient, we are teaching our teenagers they can break rules with impunity. If we are too harsh, we may cause long lasting resentment”. Possible punishments for disobedience for this age group includes reducing their freedom and stopping their allowances. The writers point out that when teenagers feel listened to, rather than criticised, they may begin to ask parental advice on issues.

The book finishes with a chapter on “Building a child’s spiritual life”, including a quote from St Paul, “Parents, do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up with the training and instruction of the Lord”. It includes the concept of passing on beliefs and values, reading the bible and going to church. The way it is set out, the book is equally good as a reference book to dip into, or when you’ve time, to read deeply.

Penny Nair Price

THE PARENTING BOOK by Nicky and Sila Lee – Alpha International. Illustrated byCharlie Mackesy ISBN 978-1-905887-36-1 published by Hodder & Stoughton Ltd, 512 pages